Thunder Demon of Noir chapter 2 . July 31
I SWEAR TO GOD! IF THIS IS ANOTHER HARRY/GINNY FIC I WILL FUCKING CASTRATE YOU
I make no promises. I am intentionally coy with pairings because it just isn't that simple. To be clear, in the long arc of the series, Harry will have some form of relationship with Ginny. You won't have to put up with any of that in episode 1. Episode 2 though... well... I make no promises.
Thunder Demon of Noir chapter 1 . July 31
Your story is so bland and boring I fell asleep. Stupid Bitch
Hi, I'm glad to see my work is helping you with insomnia. Out of curiosity. If chapter 1 put you to sleep, why go on to chapter 2? I will admit the story picks up a little slow and the characters are in a slump because of the circumstances. It picks up a little bit with chapter 4, but this isn't a high action fiction. At least not yet.
Guest chapter 8 . May 1
Do you have a drug addiction and self inflicted pain problem? You are sure interested in it. get some help.
It is not possible to reply to Guest reviews on FanFiction.net.
Hi, I appreciate your concern. I don't have a problem with self-inflicted pain or any addiction problems except perhaps with regards to food. I don't want anyone to worry for my sake. Since this is a review of chapter 8, I assume this is in regard to Hermione's behavior. Please, do understand that, while her behavior is described in some detail, it is highly destructive and I don't condone it.
I suppose following chapter 7 with Adusta... maybe it's getting too dark. Episode 1 is really meant to bring the very real consequences of the ministry battle and the mitigation of the Voldemort threat to focus.
Maybe it's overdone, but I want to bring some of the characters down from the ideal heights that some works seem to press them into... especially Hermione. Also, the greatest ascents begin in the deepest valleys.
Clavyus chapter 10 . Mar 9
Well-written, original and interesting. A little slow-paced. Hope to see more episodes.
Thank you for the compliment. I agree that the pace, particularly chapters three through five, were too slow. I am going for long-form, but not falling asleep. So I plan to do much better. Episode 2 is partially complete and it's nice to have a rising plot line. The first episode was so much planting seeds and tying out loose ends. I'm targeting seven chapters and I have most of five of them complete (they need much review though).
One thing about originality. I am trying to take an original or fresh spin on many preexisting memes and tropes of HP fanfic, but I am stealing everything I can from everywhere. So if you see something awesome, it might be me. Or maybe I read the idea in another fan-fiction and really liked it. I don't lift anything word-for-word, but I also don't remember everyone I really should credit.
Cheers and happy reading.
ForsakenKalika chapter 10 . Feb 13
I... oh dear lord. Waiting eagerly for what happens!
Thanks for your thoughts! I did kind of leave that on a cliff hanger. Just to give you a heads up I am probably going to hold episode two until the Summer so I can get caught up on my writing and be sure that I'll be able to release the episode in a timely way. I'll try to keep my progress up-to-date on [misericordiam . net] (formatting due to site filtering)
Bjalf chapter 6 . Feb 2
Long-winded and boring.
Bjalf has "disabled the private messaging feature". So I wasn't able to reply directly, which is much the pity.
I am forced to agree with you from at least one perspective. Many readers today prefer punchier, shorter sequences that keep the pages turning. I hope I can keep you interested, but I am intentionally using a long-form story. I want the reader to live the story as much as possible. And in hopes of avoiding this review becoming an example of the 'long-winded and boring', I'll leave it at that.
At least your review was concise.
Gabilian chapter 9 . Jan 14
For a second, when you mentioned Harry seeing a tattoo shop, I thought you were going to have him inked up. I'm glad you didn't
At first I wondered why Susan did not just tell Harry why she had to break up with him, but you did give an explanation later on. Still, I'm not clear on why the by-law is supposed to remain so secret. Perhaps you said something in the previous chapter that I forgot. From Harry's point of view, it would have made the situation a little more bearable. At least he would know the reason and known it wasn't his fault.
I must say that I've never been a fan of the whole "ancient and noble house" theme that has seemed to take over HP fanfiction. It is, of course, entirely an invention of fanfiction, as canon say essentially nothing about family houses. Still, I think your version is more realistic than most, so I won't complain too much. But please avoid the whole "this house is Ancient and Noble while that house is only Nobile" thing (drives me crazy), and if you refer to a "cadet house," I'll be out of here. That's one of my pet peeves, along with Sirius calling Harry "pup" or Daphne being the "ice queen of Hogwarts."
All in all a good chapter, and I look forward to the next. G.
Yeah. I don't know where the tattoo shop came from. It may be canon information that I decided to incorporate. Harry doesn't strike my as the tattoo type. Not yet, at least.
The question about why the by-law is secret is fair. It isn't at all secret. In fact, it is probably public knowledge if one were to know where to look. The problem is that Amelia in particular sees herself in Harry and knows intuitively that Harry might be willing to lay down his name (I think I explained why he would have to, but maybe not). He may not be ready, but that is where the relationship would go eventually. Amelia is not willing to let Susan drop the name of Bones, but neither she nor Susan want to see Harry do that either. Basically, they didn't want to leave the question of a continued relationship open at all. (If it helps, Harry will find out eventually.) I agree that Harry would have been better off knowing, and while Susan rationalized it as sparing him the turmoil of it, she clearly was sparing herself the difficulty of turning him down once he knew.
With regards to the "noble and most ancient" thing, I know the type of fanfics that you're referring to. Sometimes they can be good, but they are often combined with the super-Harry mechanism which I hate. If Harry is super powerful and attractive and confident, well he has no where to go and as a reader you just bore of him. My view of the houses is more political. Think of the House of Lords in Britain. They are rather normal people with additional (somewhat arbitrary) status. Augusta will actually make the case for the houses in chapter 10. Obviously, I have established that some houses are "nobler" than others at least politically.
Sirius will not be calling Harry pup, so we're good there. You'll see the werewolves use language like that though.
In chapter 2, Harry called Pansy the "Slytherin 'ice queen'" but I think it's more pejorative than anything. Daphne is an interesting character that we haven't really gotten into much. I can see why some of my characters might think of her as an 'ice queen', but it's not a title or anything.
Thanks for the review!
Aetemus chapter 8 . 2018 Dec 8
The speech is the next day, not in a half an hour or something. Also, magical transportation is near instantaneous. It wouldn't cost Harry anything to spend an hour with Hermione.
It's one thing to have drama for the sake of drama. It's an altogether worse thing to justify it with such a stupid excuse. Combined with the equally stupidly forced angst in the last chapter, I don't really hold out much hope for the future of this story.
This is a fair point and one that seems to be in consensus. It is primarily a plot mechanism that could have been executed better.
Would it have made more sense to have Harry go to the burrow and talk to Hermione, and then have a similar conversation with Ginny about why he can't stay rather than why he couldn't come in the first place? That would fit the facts given that Harry is standing in front of a floo connected to the burrow and could just step through it. I know its weird to think of it as a hypothetical for a reader, but I would love to make my story stronger.
Your point about chapter seven may be valid. I struggle with certain kinds of emotional expression. What part of the angst seemed forced? I believe you, I just want to know so that can consider how to avoid that kind of thing in the future.
Gabilian chapter 8 . 2018 Dec 8
Somewhat disappointing chapter, especially the ending. Why on earth can't Harry go see Hermione? This is the magical world. He can floo there in seconds and see her during the evening for a few hours and then go back home. Or apparate for that matter. It's not like he has to drive four hours. This is completely beyond my understanding. I realize that your characters are your own and not exactly like in canon, but a Harry Potter that wouldn't drop everything to help his friends, especially Hermione, is not a true Harry Potter. This is in addition to the fact that apparently Harry has not been back to see Ron even once (at least that we know about).
To be honest, the story is not bad, better than many on this site for sure, but it is starting to lose my interest. I'll stick with it for another chapter or two to see where you are taking it, and then we'll see. G.
You've been my most loyal reviewer so I think I'll start here. In reading the response to chapter eight from multiple people, it seems that I may have missed the mark particularly at the very end of the chapter with Harry's short conversation with Ginny through the floo. The question being, if he can talk to Ginny why can't he just go there if only for the evening...
It's a good question. My main purpose with the section was to make clear that Harry couldn't stay for an extended period to foster Hermione's psyche, but a short visit is what is alluded to in the chapter. I don't think a single talk will pull Hermione from where she is. Would it have made more sense to have a conversation with Hermione at the burrow and follow that with a modification to the last section to focus on why Harry couldn't stay rather than why he can't come?
The affect on the characters would be similar. I might need to make some minor adjustments in chapters 9 and 10, but it should filter out by the start of the next episode.
I would be interested in your thoughts and also, whether you would find a change to the posted chapter offensive or off-putting as a reader.
Thanks again for taking the time to give me feedback.
Gabillian was kind enough to reply to this, but I am not including any more since it was a PM.
Chaosbringer01 chapter 8 . 2018 Dec 7
and with that I am once again done with the story. Harry has always rushed off when his friends said they needed him. But now a meeting the next day it's more important than whatever the heck is going on with his best friend why the other is in the hospital no Cannon Harry would be there and still try to be at the meeting the next morning this is just went too far out of character
Thanks for coming back one more time. I appreciate that you were willing to give my story another go. My plot is playing the long game, so this mopey and indecisive Harry is a foundation to grow from. I will say, in fairness to you, that he is not going to escape this personality rut in the next two chapters, which will round out the first episode.
I hope you can find a story that simulates your imagination more than mine has. But if not, I publish about one chapter a month so you'll always be able to catch up if the well runs dry.
Thanks and good luck!
Chaosbringer01 chapter 1 . 2018 Nov 26
like so e of the thoughts but way too many words and emotionally OOC. Harry felt bad about others being hurt true, but not as much as mentioned here. He told them not too and they came anyway, and as for Hermione and Ron. He expects them to be there because they are always there, to the point that between the three of them there is no thought of going it alone in any crisis
Thanks for taking time to give me some feedback. I'm sorry that Harry is coming through OOC. I would like to say that it changes, but Harry's sense of guilt plays a pivotal role in this whole origin episode.
I think I understand where you're coming from. The canon is clear that in Harry's grief he blamed Albus to the point of destroying his office in rage, but in this rendition Albus died. Voldemort is gone too. Where do you think Harry's anger would go?
If he does turn his ire inward, that explains his self induced exile, since Hermione and Ron were both injured at the Ministry whether emotionally or physically.
He thinks he killed Sirius and Dumbledore. He doesn't want to hurt his friends. Normally in this situation it is Ron and/or Hermione that prevent Harry from isolating himself (just like the night of the ministry battle), but Ron is unconscious and due to circumstances Hermione blames herself and is thus not reaching out either.
As to whether he should blame himself, I hold that any objective observer would conclude that he should not. But humans (and by extension wizards) are not by nature objective.
Harry may never stop blaming himself for Sirius's death (that's true for the canon as well) but he will learn to live with it. And his bonds to his friends will recover and in so doing deepen. And forced to a place of vulnerability, Harry has an opportunity to form new bonds.
Thanks again. I very much value any feedback I can get.
Gabilian chapter 5 . 2018 Nov 26
You certainly have a lot of threads going with this story: Harry coming to terms with his importance; Hermione's guilt over Ron; Neville's recovery and relationship with Hannah; Wizengamot activity; Luna's problems with her father; Pansy's issues, with Daphne now added to the mix; not to mention, of course, Susan's crush on Harry.
This has all the makings of a long, involved story. I hope that you can keep your creative juices flowing, as you will need to expend a lot of energy to continue all with the story and to bring it to a conclusion. Right now, I would say that you are off to an excellent start. G.
It looks like I never replied to this. Which is a shame.
Gabilian chapter 4 . 2018 Nov 26
This is a very different take on the effects of the cruciatus. It does not seem to correspond with canon, as Harry seemed to bounce back easily enough. Of course, Neville's parents were crucioed into insanity, so there is some backing for your theory. And in any event, I am happy when authors make changes to canon, so no complaints from me. In your world, magical health care is not as capable of fixing most anything as in canon, and I like that.
Only minor quibble with this chapter is the idea that Pansy would have sought out the Dursleys. How would she have even known who they were, as I think that was pretty secret information, and it seems unlikely that Pansy, of all people, would know about it. I suppose she could have discovered it somehow, but the story does not explain how. G.
It looks like I never replied to this. Which is a shame.
Pip117 chapter 7 . 2018 Nov 22
I have enjoyed this immensely. I read it on the web version. If you ever need any beta work I would be happy to assist. You do a great job. Have a great weekend.
Hi! I'm super stoked that you like my work so far. I am looking for a beta reader---or maybe a few. I was about to start mining the FanFiction.net beta lists---which are suprisingly hard to navigate. Let me know what kind of beta work you are interested in as I am open to any help I can get. Are you grammar and spelling focused, diction and syntax focused, characterization focused, or plot focused... or something else... or everything... or nothing? Would you like the next chapter, eight, or would you prefer to start with material I have already published?
Thanks for taking the time to read my work and have a wonderful weekend.
Radeisth chapter 2 . 2018 Nov 21
Story makes no sense. The Prophet's claims, the Death Eater's crimes. None answered for and yet Sirius still manages to be exonerated? But nothing else happens? Silly. And Harry just aggrees and says he understands. Yeah, a crack fic in the making.
Thank you for your feedback. I understand that it may seem far fetched, but keeping Voldemort's return under raps does make sense from both political and civic perspectives. There is much to answer for, but life isn't always just.
Sirius was not publicly exonerated, just legally and quietly. There are probably more cynical reasons for why this happened. I also think that it is unfair to characterize Harry's reaction as agreeing (he might understand, but I doubt it, I think he just trusts Hermione's judgement more than his own).
The greater issue with scene, I would suggest, is that McGonagall is calling a meeting with random people from the Ministry with what seems nearly treasonous purpose. The whole sequence used to be much longer, but in the interest of brevity it was compressed into one contrived meaning.
I've continued to write and hopefully I am getting better. We'll see I guess.
Thanks for taking your time to give me feedback.
Gabilian chapter 3 . 2018 Nov 18
It is really nice to read truly different perspectives on a number of fanfiction clichés. Your version of the Wizengamot is much more believable and realistic than what we typically see. Harry and Susan's friendship/future romance (from all appearances) is developing at a nice pace, and in a way that is organic and not contrived.
Neville's recovery and his difficult relationship with Lady Augusta is interesting and though vaguely similar to what I have read in other stories, is still unique. And lastly, I have never seen Mr. Lovegood portrayed in this way. All in all, you have established an excellent base to this story.
I wish that you were receiving more reviews, but this is a serious story that doesn't pander to the normal fanfiction clichés that attract typical readers who are mostly interested in who is going to hook up with whom. I hope that you will not be discouraged but will continue on. Some of the best stories that I have read on FFN have had relatively few reviews, but usually they end up developing a following. G.
Thanks again for your kind review.
I am not in any way discouraged. I actually first posted these chapters on AO3 several months ago. The response there was much slower than here, but even so I have enough internal muse to continue for a long while. That said, it does spur me forward to read that many of my plot decisions feel recognizable but fresh. As to Xenophilias, I did get that idea from another fan-fiction that I have forgotten. And it was a fascinating take on Luna's quirky behavior. I remember that the other fan fiction was incomplete so I never leaned the reason behind Xen's treatment of her. I don't plan to make the same transgression.
I should probably disabuse you of any notion that I can post even one chapter a week. Since I started posting on AO3, I am catching up FFN. Once we get to chapter seven or eight, it will slow down one chapter a month and maybe slower, because I just can't write any faster than that. In fact the slower I go the better the writing seems to be and the easier it is to not get stuck.
I hope I can continue to keep the relationships believable. Despite dipping into magic and politics, the associations between characters are the most difficult to keep convincing and reasonable. There is a plot mechanism that will not be revealed for many episodes that will affect the relationships profoundly. So some things my seem unlikely once we get going, but there is a reason.
I know that's vague, but to quote my favorite video game story author:
"You see, señorita, mystery is important. To know everything, to know the whole truth, is dull. There is no magic in that."
Time313 chapter 3 . 2018 Nov 13
Man, the adults really suck. Anyhoo, will Harry be putting his thingy in Susan's you know what?
Yikes! Um... to answer your question fairly and truthfully I would have to say 'not in this episode'. If Harry and Susan ever 'get it together', it will be a long road to get there.
Gabilian chapter 2 . 2018 Nov 12
These were two interesting chapters, and I will be sure to follow this story. I think your version of wizards and witches comes closer to "real people" than we usually see. Usually Augusta is portrayed as being very rich, but in this story she does not even have a house elf. That's a nice change.
I would advise you to change your summary, which does not tell a prospective reader anything. If you want people to read your story, your summary has to catch their attention among the other thousands of stories on this site. I am positive that you are unintentionally preventing many readers from making that initial click to check out the story. It is well written, original, and interesting, and it deserves to have more readers and reviews, but you have to go out and get them. G.
Thanks for your kind words. I want my characterization of the story to be as real as possible, so I consider it to be high praise. I'll definitely try to come up with an actual description. I'm struggling with getting a good scope and making it sound natural, but I'm sure it would help readers to have an idea of what it is before they start. Assuming the two chapters I've posted are representative, what are some words you might use to describe them?
Pokemark17 chapter 1 . 2018 Nov 9
This story is a bit rough but has a good base
Thanks, I actually agree. I haven't written fiction of any kind since... oh... sophomore year of high school. So what do I choose to start with... long form fiction in a fandom with a devoted fan base.
What could go wrong?
Jado01 chapter 4 . 2018 Aug 25
the form of typing is painful to my eyes, but i do love this so far
Thanks for the feedback. I can totally understand concerns over formatting since I am using a work skin to modify the appearance of the page. If you would like to see the text as it would normally be displayed by ao3, you should be able to select "Hide Creator's Style" at the top of the work. That will disable any customizations that I made.
I promise to not be offended. :)
Really, though, if your enjoying it, I'll be releasing chapter five in a little over a week. And if you have more feedback I'd be glad to hear it. I am still looking for beta readers--if you are interested.
TheGodOfSpeed chapter 2 . 2018 Jun 19
I have been a beta reader for a few other stories. I have enough time to read a few chapters every day. Also, this story seems very promising so far.
Hi! Thanks for your comment. If you would like to be a beta reader, that would be awesome. Can I contact you directly? If not, that's fine, but I'll want to ask a few questions and probably answer some of yours.